Praise

A particularly helpful article on praise

I was really struck by the idea that praise can be given in a way that leaves it to the child to make his/her own evaluations. You provide information about what's going on for you in terms of specific things you noticed and felt and appreciated. You then leave it up to them to draw their own conclusions.

What I read in Praise is Important to Raising a Confident Child about

• how things can then be "appreciated by the person the child needs to trust most—himself"
• how this can facilitate having self-image be based less on the approval of others

were ideas that I was grateful to have spelled out so well in the article. I also liked the way the article captured how evaluative praise doesn't provide as much helpful information as descriptive praise and appreciative praise. These 3 different kinds of praise are fleshed out in the article with helpful details and examples.

complements

complements this article well and provides more examples.

Excerpts from Chapter 5 of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

What follows is a short version of excerpts from Chapter 1 of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Click here for a longer version of these excerpts.

... praise can be tricky business. Sometimes the most well-meant praise brings about unexpected reactions.

...

The more extravagantly I praised, the less I got through. I never understood their reactions.

... helpful praise actually comes in two parts:

1. The adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels.

2. The child, after hearing the description, is then able to praise himself.

... the very thought of having to change to a descriptive style of praising irritated me. Why should I have to give up “Great . . . wonderful . . . terrific,” which came so naturally to me, and find another way to express my honest enthusiasm?

But I tried anyway, dutifully at first, and after a while I noticed that the children really did begin to praise themselves. For example:

...

ME: (instead of “Andy, you’re great”) That was a complicated phone message you took from Mrs. Vecchio. It was written so clearly, I knew exactly why the meeting was postponed, who I had to call, and what I had to tell them.

ANDY: Yeah, I’m a pretty dependable kid.

There was no doubt about it. The children were becoming more aware and appreciative of their own strengths. This alone was an incentive for me to continue making an effort. And it was an effort. It’s a lot easier to say “Wonderful” about something, than to really look at it, and experience it, and then describe it in detail.

…

What I personally like about this way to praise is that it’s so “doable.” It’s a matter of really looking, really listening, really noticing, and then saying aloud what you see and what you feel.

... You can take away “good boy” by calling him “bad boy” the next day. But you can’t ever take away from him the time he cheered his mother with a get-well card, or the time he stuck with his work and persevered even though he was very tired.

Praise that fosters a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset

I first came across the idea of how praise that fosters a fixed mindset can have negative outcomes in the first chapter of NurtureShock .

From http://mindsetonline.com/whatisit/about/index.html:

In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. They spend their time documenting their intelligence or talent instead of developing them. They also believe that talent alone creates success—without effort. They’re wrong.

In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment. ...

Teaching a growth mindset creates motivation and productivity in the worlds of business, education, and sports. It enhances relationships. ...

http://motionmathgames.com/how-to-praise-your-child-and-encourage-a-growth-mindset/

Avoiding labels to avoid fostering a fixed mindset

From: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AmericanFamily/story?id=2877896&page=1&singlePage=true#.UWwqC7skx90

Avoid labels. Praising for effort sends the message that your child has the power to improve and change, but labeling him "smart" gives him little control over changing how he is perceived. Be mindful of labeling yourself ("I can't do my taxes -- I'm terrible at math") and others ("Your gymnastics partner is such a klutz").