Praise

A particularly helpful article on praise

I was really struck by the idea that praise can be given in a way that leaves it to the child to make his/her own evaluations. You provide information about what's going on for you in terms of specific things you noticed and felt and appreciated. You then leave it up to them to draw their own conclusions.

What I read in Praise is Important to Raising a Confident Child about

• how things can then be "appreciated by the person the child needs to trust most—himself"
• how this can facilitate having self-image be based less on the approval of others

were ideas that I was grateful to have spelled out so well in the article. I also liked the way the article captured how evaluative praise doesn't provide as much helpful information as descriptive praise and appreciative praise. These 3 different kinds of praise are fleshed out in the article with helpful details and examples.

complements

complements this article well and provides more examples.

Excerpts from Chapter 5 of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

What follows is a short version of excerpts from Chapter 1 of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Click here for a longer version of these excerpts.

... praise can be tricky business. Sometimes the most well-meant praise brings about unexpected reactions.

...

The more extravagantly I praised, the less I got through. I never understood their reactions.

... helpful praise actually comes in two parts:

1. The adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels.

2. The child, after hearing the description, is then able to praise himself.

... the very thought of having to change to a descriptive style of praising irritated me. Why should I have to give up “Great . . . wonderful . . . terrific,” which came so naturally to me, and find another way to express my honest enthusiasm?

But I tried anyway, dutifully at first, and after a while I noticed that the children really did begin to praise themselves. For example:

...

ME: (instead of “Andy, you’re great”) That was a complicated phone message you took from Mrs. Vecchio. It was written so clearly, I knew exactly why the meeting was postponed, who I had to call, and what I had to tell them.

ANDY: Yeah, I’m a pretty dependable kid.

There was no doubt about it. The children were becoming more aware and appreciative of their own strengths. This alone was an incentive for me to continue making an effort. And it was an effort. It’s a lot easier to say “Wonderful” about something, than to really look at it, and experience it, and then describe it in detail.

…

What I personally like about this way to praise is that it’s so “doable.” It’s a matter of really looking, really listening, really noticing, and then saying aloud what you see and what you feel.

... You can take away “good boy” by calling him “bad boy” the next day. But you can’t ever take away from him the time he cheered his mother with a get-well card, or the time he stuck with his work and persevered even though he was very tired.

Praise that fosters a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset

I first came across the idea of how praise that fosters a fixed mindset can have negative outcomes in the first chapter of NurtureShock .

Here's a shorter version of what's in the NurtureShock chapter that has many examples of how to cite specific behaviors in the praise that you give: http://motionmathgames.com/how-to-praise-your-child-and-encourage-a-growth-mindset/

Excerpts from the website for the book Mindset by Carol Dweck:

From: http://mindsetonline.com/whatisit/whatdoesthismeanforme/index.html

Believing that your qualities are carved in stone—the fixed mindset—creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. If you have only a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character, well then you'd better prove that you have a healthy dose of them. …

[In a growth mindset] your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way—in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments—everyone can change and grow through application and experience.

From: http://mindsetonline.com/forum/parentsteach/

The self-esteem movement encouraged parents and teachers to tell children how smart they are. This, they believed, would give children confidence in their abilities, and thus the desire to learn and the hardiness to withstand difficulty. Research shows that this is wrong. Praising children's intelligence may boost their confidence for a brief moment, but by fostering the fixed view of intelligence, it makes them afraid of challenges, it makes them lose confidence when tasks become hard, and it leads to plummeting performance in the face of difficulty. In some studies, praising intelligence led to lower performance on an IQ test.

What should parents do? Research shows that praising the process—children's effort or strategies—creates eagerness for challenges, persistence in the face of difficulty, and enhanced performance. … Ask them how they went about it and show them how you appreciate their choices, their thinking process, or their persistence. Ask them about strategies that didn't work and what they learned from them. When they make mistakes, use these as occasions for teaching them to come up with new strategies. … Look for ways to convey your valuing of effort, perseverance, and learning …

Avoiding labels to avoid fostering a fixed mindset

From: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AmericanFamily/story?id=2877896&page=1&singlePage=true#.UWwqC7skx90

Avoid labels. Praising for effort sends the message that your child has the power to improve and change, but labeling him "smart" gives him little control over changing how he is perceived. Be mindful of labeling yourself ("I can't do my taxes -- I'm terrible at math") and others ("Your gymnastics partner is such a klutz").