No Bad Kids
I am always telling myself I'm bad. It's a worldview that I've recently been able to step out of more often, and I'm hoping to make great progress on this front because I don't want to model for my son seeing myself as bad all the time. Reading parenting books is helping me both see (1) why I tend to think of myself as bad and (2) how I can frame things differently so that I'm not seeing myself or my son as bad. The following excerpt really hit home for me that the times when it's easiest to think my son is being bad are ones that he simply can't do anything about yet.
"...speech powers of those cells aren't capable of overriding the motor urges of those same cells."
Excerpt from pp. 35-36 of The Soul of Discipline: The Simplicity Parenting Approach to Warm, Firm, and Calm Guidance - From Toddlers to Teens by Kim John Payne
... A mother of a three-year-old boy put it perfectly: “When I learned that inner speech balances impulsive behavior and that, at his age, my son’s impulses were much stronger than his capacity for inner speech, everything changed for me. I calmed down a lot knowing that when he acted up he wasn’t just being belligerent or defiant.” ...
...
STAGE ONE: THE YOUNG CHILD
The first phase [of inner speech development] begins when a toddler starts to speak. We notice that, though most of her speech is directed toward other people, the little child may babble away and occasionally say something like “I need to put Molly Dolly in her space suit now.” What she is doing is guiding herself by talking things through out loud. How does this relate to behavior? At this stage, children don’t yet have the capacity for inner speech, which is so vital for self-regulation. So they try to figure things out aloud. Keep in mind that a child between the ages of two and four can understand rules and even recite them for you verbatim, then turn right around and ignore or break them. “It’s hard to realize that children are not yet able to regulate their own minds,” says Dr. Dee Joy Coulter. “The brain cells which regulate inner speech also regulate motor impulses. Until the child is about four and has developed strong language skills, the speech powers of those cells just aren’t capable of overriding the motor urges of those same cells.”
Picture a pond teeming with large red fish and tiny blue fish. The wriggly red fish represent bursts of impulsive behavior. The calm blue fish help a child regulate and reflect on his or her behavior. Young children are equipped with a loosely woven neural net that can hold only big red fish. They may occasionally catch some of the little blue fish, but those tend to slip through and fall back into the water.
The key here is to realize that your young kids are not deliberately defiant. They are not consciously disobeying when they repeatedly drop food on the floor after being told not to. You may be certain they know the rules because you have told them again and again. But knowing them and being able to act on them are not the same thing. If you become frustrated and forceful and shout at a child who dumps his or her food on the floor repeatedly, your yelling doesn’t increase the child’s ability to self-regulate— to stop dropping the food. In fact, our antics can have very much the opposite effect. Scaring and shocking a child by yelling can delay the development of his or her inner speech. And it interferes with the bonding and attachment that is developing between you and your son or daughter. ...
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury
Okay, so given that there's things that children are developmentally incapable of, how do we engage with our kids? The book No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury provides a lot of guidance and examples.
The following excerpt from the end of Chapter 23 provides a brief summary of the book (if you need more context, you can click here to read all of Chapter 23 which is posted online as a blog post):
Hi Lauren,
Yes! You answered your own question:
“What I’d love to be better at is just saying, after one warning, “I’m going to lock the door now because you’re having a hard time keeping things in the house” and calmly getting up and doing it. I think my problem, now that I’m talking it out, is that I give her too many chances, more than I can handle, to comply on her own. In my effort to give her the opportunity to choose to do what I’m asking of her, I end up pushing myself farther than I can handle.”
It seems that you are expecting too much of your toddler and misunderstanding why she is “misbehaving”. Yes, she can understand what you want, but no, she can’t just agree and quietly comply with your wishes out of respect. This isn’t personal — it’s developmental.
A vital part of her development right now is testing her power and her will, while also being assured that she has parents who are well-equipped to contain this power. Toddlers do this by resisting us. They can’t explore their will by saying “yes, mom, I’ll do what you ask.” So, defiance at this age is normal and healthy.
However, it is disconcerting and even scary for toddlers to feel too powerful – powerful enough to push parents’ buttons and rattle or anger them or powerful enough to make decisions they can’t easily make (like when to relinquish their will, follow a parent’s direction and stop throwing toys). Feeling too powerful means feeling uncared for, and toddlers are acutely aware of their need for our care.
Your daughter wants and needs you to follow through and lock the door. Then, if she has feelings about that, allow and acknowledge them. She needs you to calmly connect and “parent her” way before you get angry. If you are getting annoyed, that means you are giving her too many chances and choices. She’s clearly letting you know that she needs your help.
My thought is that she may also be communicating that she’s tired, hungry or in need of release for some pent up feelings. But one thing is certain: she is asking for a boundary from you, presented calmly and respectfully so that she can feel safe and secure in your love and care again.
I would get close enough to make eye contact and tell her once politely not to do it (“please keep your toys in the house”) and then say, “You are throwing toys outside when I asked you not to. I’m going to lock the door.” She may squawk in response, or even have a meltdown, but she will also breathe a huge inward sigh of relief. Mommy stopped me before she got mad. She seems confident about taking care of me.
Taking care of yourself and your child — prioritizing your relationship to this extent is the ultimate in great parenting and something to feel extremely proud of. Children don’t want to be considered bothersome, frustrating or annoying and they don’t deserve our resentment. But only we can set the limits necessary (and early enough) to prevent these feelings from cropping up and poisoning our relationship.
I hope this perspective helps give you the encouragement you need to remain calm and be consistent.
Warmly,
Janet
