When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is a book about helping people who have a hard time asserting what they do and don't want. It is mainly written in terms of how to communicate assertively when faced with people who are being aggressive. The book teaches you how to do so in a way that allows you to "remain your own judge of what you do," "stick to your desired point," "give no reward to those using manipulative criticism," and "prompt your critic to be more assertive, less dependent on manipulative ploys."
I don't like how the author uses terms like "manipulative" in the following excerpts. Not taking ownership by implying that there's something wrong with the other person, for example, is nonassertive. But, is it really manipulative? I wouldn't cast it that way. I can see that the author's exaggerated characterization of nonassertiveness makes his examples more vivid, and perhaps this helps him convey the ideas more effectively. But, I worry about how it could unnecessarily rub people the wrong way. He softens all this a bit by saying that we do these things not because we're uncaring or insensitive to what other people want, but because that's just what we grew up with. So, instead of casting some ways of talking as "manipulative," I prefer the following framing: Nonassertive ways of talking are the norm. There are alternative assertive ways that often work better, but most people just don't know about them.
Excerpts from end of Chapter 1
The following excerpts are ones that come shortly after the excerpts that are included in Sections 2.1 and 2.2 on the Acknowledging and validating page.
... [Parents often] erroneously assume that if they decide to assertively take charge, they will only have two options: either being tyrannical bastards or indulgent jellyfishes with their kids. They see no meaningful middle ground between these two extremes. Faced with such a distasteful choice, they fall back upon the efficient, emotional manipulation taught them by their parents instead of assuming the frank, honest responsibility of taking authority: “I want you to …” Taking this authority and using it to make themselves and their children feel better about the stresses of growing up is simple behaviorally, but not easy emotionally. One mother, for example, asked me, with a tinge of hostility, “How do you break a promise to a child?” The feeling tone that accompanied this question suggested that this mother, like many others, felt it was imperative that she always be on top of things and present at least the illusion of a super-competent mom to her daughter—someone who never breaks a promise, for example. As I talked to her later it turned out that my analysis was correct. She was in the bind of having to be perfect, not to make mistakes, and above all not appear dumb to other people. As I like to describe it, she had set herself up in a “sucker’s play.” In trying to be perfect and a supermom to her daughter, she was an odds-on favorite to lose. Eventually she was going to have to break promises either because she could not or did not want to keep them. If she could drop her need to be perfect and her pretense that she was, she could break a promise to her daughter in an assertive way that would minimize both their uncomfortable feelings. She could say, for example, “I know it’s dumb of me to make you a promise that I can’t keep, but we are going to put off going to Disneyland on Saturday. You didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not your fault. Let’s see when we can go again, okay?” With this assertive negative statement, she would be giving her daughter the message that even Mom does dumb things now and then, but even more important she serves as a model for her daughter, showing that if Mom doesn’t have to be perfect, neither does daughter. She models this important part of being human while she makes the reality clear: for whatever reason, Mom has decided that they will not go this time, and they are not going.
In summary, you and I and most of the rest of the population are trained to be responsive to manipulative emotional control as soon as we are able to speak and understand what other people tell us. These psychological puppet strings that our parents attach to us through learned feelings of nervousness or anxiety, ignorance and guilt, control our childish assertiveness. They effectively and efficiently keep us out of real and imagined danger as children and make the lives of the adults around us a lot easier. These emotional strings, however, have an unfortunate side effect. As we grow into adults and are responsible for our own well-being, they do not magically disappear. We still have feelings of anxiety, ignorance, and guilt that can be and are used efficiently by other people to get us to do what they want irrespective of what we want for ourselves. The subject of this book is the reduction, at least if not the elimination of these learned emotions in coping with other people in the ordinary experiences of our lives. In particular, the following chapters deal with (1) the nonassertive beliefs we acquire because of our feelings of anxiety, ignorance, and guilt, and how these beliefs allow other people to manipulate us; (2) the rights we have as human beings to assertively stop the manipulation of our behavior by others; and (3) the systematic verbal skills easily learned in everyday situations that allow us to enforce our human assertive rights with family members, relatives, parents, children, friends, fellow employees, employers, repairmen, gardeners, salesclerks, managers; in short, other human beings, no matter what their relationship to us is.
Dialogue - Example from the book
The next dialogue shows how one learner coped with a friend’s request for a business loan after he had tentatively agreed and then changed his mind.
...
RALPH: … You know I’m not going to screw you. This is a legitimate deal.
ALAN: I agree with you that there is nothing to worry about, but when large sums of money are involved, I worry about how things are going. I’d keep looking over your shoulder to see what you’re doing with the money. I know I can trust you, Ralph, I know my worried feelings are dumb, but that’s the way I am. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]
RALPH: That won’t bother me. Check up all you want to.
ALAN: I’m sure it wouldn’t bother you if I checked on you, Ralph, but it would bother me. I just don’t want to operate our friendship that way. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]
RALPH: You know I’m good for the money. I’ve borrowed money before and always paid it back.
ALAN: That’s for sure, but this is a business loan, not a loan between two friends. I’m afraid if we get into business together, the friendship goes down me drain. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]
RALPH: As far as I’m concerned, it won’t.
ALAN: I’m sure you won’t let it affect you, but it’s me that’s the problem. If I lend you that money, I know my feelings for you will change. I know it’s dumb, I know it shouldn’t be that way, but that’s me. That’s the way I feel about it. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]
RALPH: Okay, if you feel that strongly about it, I’ll try and get the money somewhere else. I don’t know where I can get it but I’ll try.
ALAN: Let me talk to some people I know. If they’re interested I’ll have them call you, okay? [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]
Glossary
Glossary of Systematic Assertive Skills
BROKEN RECORD
A skill that by calm repetition—saying what you want over and over again—teaches persistence without you having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand, in order to be “up” for dealing with others.
Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to feel comfortable in ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting, irrelevant logic, while sticking to your desired point.
FOGGING
A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to your critic the probability that there may be some truth in what he says, yet allows you to remain your own judge of what you do.
Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to receive criticism comfortably without becoming anxious or defensive, while giving no reward to those using manipulative criticism.
FREE INFORMATION
A skill that teaches the recognition of simple cues given by a social partner in everyday conversation to indicate what is interesting or important to that person.
Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to feel less shy in entering into conversation while at the same time prompting social partners to talk more easily about themselves.
NEGATIVE ASSERTION
A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your negative qualities.
Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or personality without feeling defensive and anxious, or resorting to denial of real error, while at the same time reducing your critic’s anger or hostility.
NEGATIVE INQUIRY
A skill that teaches the active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (if helpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative) while prompting; your critic to be more assertive, less dependent on manipulative ploys.
Clinical effect after practice: Allows you more comfortably to seek out criticism about yourself in close relationships while prompting the other person to express honest negative feelings and improve communication.
SELF-DISCLOSURE
A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and negative aspects of your personality, behavior, lifestyle, intelligence, to enhance social communication and reduce manipulation.
Clinical effect after practice: Allows you comfortably to disclose aspects of yourself and your life that previously caused feelings of ignorance, anxiety, or guilt.
Excerpt that has examples of "shoulds"
... But arbitrary rules can interfere with saying what you or your mate really want and then working out some compromise that you both can live with. Being assertive in these situations can clarify what both parties really want and a compromise often falls out naturally. It may be as simple as your wanting to wear Levis and a pink T-shirt but only at work and parties, while your wife only gets really upset when you wear such a striking combination when you see her mother. To work out a compromise on this example, it may be necessary first to exhaust all the external nonassertive manipulative “shoulds” like: “You should dress like a grown man and not like a punk kid,” or “Don’t you care what other people may think?” or “Nobody should wear clothes like that!” before the I want or I don’t like statements that precede a compromise are given in place of the “shoulds.” Manipulation used to control your behavior (or that you use to control your mate’s behavior) is generally not malicious or malignant, but a result, as we have seen, of our childhood training on how to cope when we feel uncertain.
Example from Abby's essay
Here is an example in which Abby communicates assertively and her roommate responds in ways that don't acknowledge or validate Abby's wants and feelings.
The Request
I lie on my bed, looking at the book in my hands, eyes unfocused. My roommate sits two feet away on the ground. She is hunting through her backpack for something. Should I say it now? No. My uneasy stomach turns. Yes, I should. I have practiced enough times with my friends; I am ready.
Consciously, I clear my throat and begin, “Jodie?" She turns her head slowly to rest her bored eyes on me.
“What?” She asks, as if I am interrupting her at a crucial moment in life.
I press my lips together, raise my eyebrows defiantly, and suck in a deep breath through my nose. Ready. “Could you please ask your friends to be more considerate when they think I might be sleeping?”
Exhale, relax.
As she crinkles up her face into a glare, she demands, “What do you mean?”
“I just don't want people calling at 1:30 in the morning or your friends pounding on the door when I have clearly written, 'Sleeping, please don't knock.'”
“Well, maybe they didn't see the sign. I'm sure they wouldn't knock if they saw the sign,” she explains as if she is speaking to a two-year-old.
This time my eyes narrow, “Could you please just ask them to be more considerate?”
Her mouth gapes like a fish and her dark eyes glare. Offhandedly, “It won't do any good, you know.
“Just ask them please.”
Exasperated, “You know, you go to bed earlier than anyone else in the whole dorm.”
I just stare at her, astonished. “I know that, and so do your friends, so they should know not to call or come knocking so late.”
“I'll tell them.” Pause. “But it won't make any difference,” she adds.
Long pause.
“Thank you.”
She glares at me, quickly finds what she was looking for, stands, and leaves the room.
Sigh.
Sanitation department excerpt
Click here to go to the full version that this excerpt was taken from.
… With external statements like right and wrong that have nothing to do with your interaction with her, she blames your discomfort at doing what she wants onto some external authority that made up all the rules we “should” obey.
This is nonassertiveness. … Mom finds it easier to make you struggle through bad and good with God, the government, the sanitation and safety department the old man with the white beard, the police chief, or whoever else you childishly perceive as the one who decides what is good and what is bad. Mom rarely tells you: “Thank you. I like it very much when you clean up your room,” or even “It must really bug you when I make you do your room over, but that’s exactly what I want you to do.” With statements like these, Mom teaches you that whatever Mom wants is important simply because she wants it. And that is the truth. She teaches you that nobody else is checking up on you but her. And that too is the truth. You are not led into feeling anxious or guilty or unloved because you don’t like what Mom wants. You are not taught that what Mom likes is good and what she dislikes is bad. If she uses simple assertive statements of “I want,” there are no implications or unspoken threats that “good” children are loved and “bad” ones are not. You don’t even have to like what Mom wants you to do; you only have to do it!
What a happy situation: being able to bitch and grumble to Mom and Dad to get things off your chest and know they still love you. ...
