Praise

With how I have things organized at the moment in this wiki, the resources on praise aren't all collected together on one wikipage. The NurtureShock wikipage includes resources that aren't on this page (resources on praise that fosters a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset), and the Unconditional Parenting wikipage has excerpts on alternatives to evaluative praise.

This page is under construction. Working on this page has me realizing that I'm still sorting through my ideas on praise... Acknowledging what you noticed seems supportive when it's saying I noticed that this seemed satisfying to both you and me. But, for things like praising effort to foster a growth mindset, I'm starting to think that fostering a growth mindset could be and would better off be done without using praise.

From the Parent Policy Manual of Manzanitas and Green Apple Garden Preschools in Ann Arbor:

Instead of “good girl! Or Good Job!” we use narrative language and describe facts

• Tell me about your drawing
• You went potty and you remembered to flush the toilet!
• Thank you for washing your hands!
  • Refrain from using “I like your drawing”, “I like when you all sit quietly”, “I don’t like it when you poke other people”, as it encourages the need for extrinsic approval and reduces intrinsic motivation, and makes result trump experience.
  • Use descriptive words instead. Describe the outcome of negative events. “It makes me feel frustrated when you poke at nap time. It makes it hard for other children to rest.”

A particularly helpful article on praise

I was really struck by the idea that praise can be given in a way that leaves it to the child to make his/her own evaluations. You provide information about what's going on for you in terms of specific things you noticed and felt and appreciated. You then leave it up to them to draw their own conclusions.

What I read in Praise is Important to Raising a Confident Child about

• how things can then be "appreciated by the person the child needs to trust most—himself"
• how this can facilitate having self-image be based less on the approval of others

were ideas that I was grateful to have spelled out so well in the article. I also liked the way the article captured how evaluative praise doesn't provide as much helpful information as descriptive praise and appreciative praise. These 3 different kinds of praise are fleshed out in the article with helpful details and examples.

Excerpts on praise from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (short version)

What follows is a short version of excerpts from Chapter 5 of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Click here for a longer version of these excerpts.

... praise can be tricky business. Sometimes the most well-meant praise brings about unexpected reactions.

...

The more extravagantly I praised, the less I got through. I never understood their reactions.

... helpful praise actually comes in two parts:

1. The adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels.

2. The child, after hearing the description, is then able to praise himself.

... the very thought of having to change to a descriptive style of praising irritated me. Why should I have to give up “Great . . . wonderful . . . terrific,” which came so naturally to me, and find another way to express my honest enthusiasm?

But I tried anyway, dutifully at first, and after a while I noticed that the children really did begin to praise themselves. For example:

...

ME: (instead of “Andy, you’re great”) That was a complicated phone message you took from Mrs. Vecchio. It was written so clearly, I knew exactly why the meeting was postponed, who I had to call, and what I had to tell them.

ANDY: Yeah, I’m a pretty dependable kid.

There was no doubt about it. The children were becoming more aware and appreciative of their own strengths. This alone was an incentive for me to continue making an effort. And it was an effort. It’s a lot easier to say “Wonderful” about something, than to really look at it, and experience it, and then describe it in detail.

…

What I personally like about this way to praise is that it’s so “doable.” It’s a matter of really looking, really listening, really noticing, and then saying aloud what you see and what you feel.

... You can take away “good boy” by calling him “bad boy” the next day. But you can’t ever take away from him the time he cheered his mother with a get-well card, or the time he stuck with his work and persevered even though he was very tired.